Project 365 week 48

Not quite sure where to start with this weeks post and not sure how much to share, or why I feel the need to. Am I doing it for me? Or to help somebody else?  No I am doing it as it is a diary of my life so that I can look back and see how far I have come in the months to follow. Certainly not looking for sympathy but wanting to share how easy it is for  life to spiral out of control and for things to get on top of you.

I consider myself to be a normal family person, life is not always perfect, but then who's is? But I never thought I would feel such despair and hopelessness in the way I have this week. I always thought these things crept up on people over a period of months and years not in a relatively short space of time.

As my regular readers will be aware I have been struggling for a few weeks with an issue causing me pain. Frustration still plays a part, not being able to do simple things that I use to take for granted be that taking a lid off a bottle or draining water off the potatoes or getting a tray in and out of the oven. Getting dressed causes pain, working out the best way to get in and out of a t shirt or a jacket. The simplest things like turning over in bed and trying to get up out of bed involves leaning on your arm, and when you can't lean on it you have to invent new ways.

Getting no sleep has a massive knock on effect - being unable to function, to think straight, to achieve the simplest of tasks from normal every day things like putting rubbish in the right bin, remembering how to turn on the cooker, or turn off a tap, basic daily tasks require so much more concentration that  they should, and doing complex things like cooking a meal become impossible. I have been snacking on rubbish far to much in the last few weeks but it is the best I can do for myself right now and I refuse to beat myself up about it. Can only cope with one "large" task in a day, can't plan for  say a visit to the GP followed by a shopping and a wander round the charity shops, it is one thing at a time only.

My other frustration is more out of my control.  Last week when I got the results of my scan I had made an appointment to go back to the GP on Tuesday, yes again, to discuss where we take this long term. All I know is I cannot keep suffering this level of pain, lack of sleep and inability to lead a normal life for much longer. I had gone back to the GP expecting some help, some light at the end of the tunnel, a miracle perhaps. Probably it is more to do with me being  unreasonable than her  as I know I am impossible to reason with currently. . I just don't have the energy or the mental capacity to "argue" my case. I don't think she quite grasped how desperate I was for a bit of sleep and more to the point how suicidal this is making me feel. While I would not in any sane moment do this to my family but in the middle of the night when there is no relief from the pain "sane moments" don't exist.

She did say she would refer me through to see Physio, which normally could take a week a month or who knows how long and they might be able to give me a steroid injection to help but that this not something the GP can do. But luckily for me I am already seeing physio and have an appointment to go back on Thursday to discuss the results of Saturdays hospital appointment and the results of any other tests that are outstanding. I feel sorry for others who are not in the fortunate position of already seeing one and may have to wait even longer for some relief.

Luckily enough for me he could see how desperate I was and after he had done various poking and prodding and discussions he agreed the way forward was a steroid injection. He said this would eliminate some things and depending on whether it worked or not would point to what the issue might be. So having given me a lignocaine injection to numb the area and give me short term pain relief he administered a steroid injection that should if it works give me weeks of relief. A handy breathing space while I get my head back in a better place. He warned me it might hurt, but to be honest I knew the pain would be short lived from it and had to be worth a try.

Thankfully the injection has worked, still feeling twinges or niggles if I turn wrong or pick something heavyish up I still feel it but in general the pain has gone. He did warn me not to be doing anything with my arm that I could not manage to do while I was in pain as to alleviate and possible long term damage. No monkey bars or push ups then.....Still getting tingling and pins and needles but that I can live with.

While I did not manage to sleep on Thursday night as steroids always wire me to the moon for the first 24 hrs I did at least spend a night fairly pain free watching stuff on my kindle. Did get a great nights sleep on Friday night.

Not taken many pictures this week to be honest.

Sunday

Spent my night shift making hama bead items. This one is for the Christmas tree as all the others have one from a few years back. Yes I know the J is back to front, but that is lack of sleep as these are done backwards.
I did make a big sea turtle for Spud to match the jumper I knitted her but it was made across 4 boards and the beads would not come off one of the boards so it broke. Still got all of it and will see what I can do with it,  maybe glue it to a piece of hardboard.

to hang on the Christmas tree

Monday

No idea what I did on Monday apart from a few hama bead pokemon.

We are having Fifi a overnight this week as her house is having a bedroom swap over and the first bedroom to go is her room so she has no where to sleep temporarily.
This picture is from Friday this week.

she can nearly crawl, at home she has laminate flooring and just pulls herself along on her bum as it is slippy

Tuesday

Saw the GP and came away feeling exasperated.

Christmas decoration in the town centre.

Wednesday

Found out about a place in town that sells "out of date" or "end of line" foods cheaply. The big supermarkets and food shops hand to them items they have left. They are open four days a week and you can shop once a week in there. A shop costs you £3.50 for two people and for this you can choose ten items, two from the freezer and eight from the shelves, and as much fruit, veg, bread and eggs as you want, depending on what they have as well as a bunch of flowers.  Designed for people on low incomes and while I am not claiming poverty or starvation here yet,it seems a sensible way for me to eek out the money I do have while I am not at work and earning overtime.

a food shop 

Thursday

Saw the physio and came away feeling a lot more hopeful than I have in a long time. Last year for my birthday I got a 24 hr heart monitoring, this year for my 60th I got two injections....good old NHS.

We nipped into a freezer shop on the way home and bought a Chinese meal in a box for tea. Could justify £5 but not the cost of a takeaway. Today is also our 18th Wedding anniversary.

This photo is from a  walk along the river on Friday as none was taken today.

along the river walk near the college 

Friday

DD2 and the girls are down for a few days to celebrate my birthday. Plan had been we were all meeting down at DD1's for cake and Chinese and for them to give me my presents. Sadly Minky had been up overnight vomiting and so it was decided not to mix the kids together just in case it was a bug. So DD3 came here and we had take away paid for by the girls followed by cake. Ziggy helped put the candles on and helped me blow them out.
Half of my birthday present is still in Oban as the company did not deliver it in the time scale they advertise on their website for DD2 to bring it down with her. Probably as she lives so far north things always take a day or so longer than they quote and that is something you live with. But rather have them here without the present than them not turn up because it did not.

looking happy!!!

Saturday

Feeling a lot more human and a lot less exasperated than I have been after a good nights sleep.

DD2 took the twins to the pictures while DD1 watched Ziggy. This was their birthday present.
The twins had a birthday party in the afternoon and then we all went down for a second birthday cake so the others could all join in and get cake.

Ziggy and I went upstairs to play with a most deadly brainstorm torch we have been sent. We went through the animals recognising them and making noises and making the images on the wall slither and jump and run depending on the picture. She had way over half an hour of fun and only stopped because it was getting ready for bed time.

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