How do I help a struggling daughter?

I have run this post by my daughter before I published it, not really expecting many people to read it all, but it is being written so that in years to come when Bob will be struggling with the life he has been dealt that his mum made the best decisions she could with the information she was given.

My daughter feels she has reached crisis point, and is at the stage of feeling that her son would be better off if she was not his mummy, that everything that is wrong with him is her fault, and if she gave him up for adoption he would be better off and would even get better.


I truly feel so sorry for her and am not really sure how best to help her.  I fully understand where she is coming from, her logic of " he only has X disease as I have given him Y medication" - but without Y medication he dies - vicious circle really. My 2nd daughter spent 8 yrs undergoing orthodontic work because of the amount of antibiotics I gave her when she was a pre 5 -  but if I had not of done then she would not be here. So yes I can appreciate where my daughter is coming from but feeling guilty will not help her.

She is a fab mum, who loves both her kids to bits, who would kill anybody who harmed a hair on their head, and does the best she can for them in every respect, but she is finding it so difficult to get her head round this weeks hospital tests and the results they will show, just another label to add to the list the poor wee sausage already has.


 Bobs' schooling has consisted of 2 days out of the last six weeks, he was off before the holidays with chest infections and breathing problems, went back to school last Monday, and was sent home on Wednesday morning as he was vomiting and therefore could not go back until today. My daughter does not wont to risk sending him back today as he is to go to hospital for tests on Wednesday and he will not have the tests if he is ill. He will be in no fit state to go back on Thursday after everything they will do to him and the drugs they will pump into him in hospital. he is being tested for one illness in particular, and in some respects my daughter is hoping that is what he has got as it will explain away a lot of things - but more to the point if it comes back negative than has he got something worse/different??

She has thought of pulling him out of school as he has no resistance to infection and is picking up anything and everything, but I pointed out that  all primary children in their first year have a lot of ill time with infectious illnesses but for the fact he has not had his immunisations apart from his first one ( he cant on medical grounds) then he is more vulnerable than your average 5 year old.

My daughters life is very restricted with him, he cannot stay in school over lunch time as the school do not have the staffing levels to supervise him to the extent he would require for his own safety, and therefore has to come home meaning things have to be squashed into school hours. He has a lot of hospital appointments between skin specialists, hearing clinic, eye clinics, allergy clinics, paediatric clinics, dieticians and what ever else is thrown in the mixing pot.


She contacted Social Work about 3 years ago and is still on the writing list to be assigned somebody as she is not priority. She phoned them again on Monday as suggested by both myself and her sister but they said there is not a lot of help they can offer her and what did she want them to do - well she doesnt really know she just knows she is struggling.

My daughter contacted Allergy UK to see if she could find other people like herself to talk to but there are no support groups for food allergy children in Scotland. But not one to be beaten she has asked to receive an information pack on how to set up and run an allergy group. She has also agreed to become a phone counsellor to support other parents of newly diagnosed children. I think this is something we can do together as her way of helping herself and my way of helping to support her.

I have made friends with a few of the neighbours where I live and one of them S is E's mother,  and she has been kind enough to befriend my daughter and is helping her cope with what is happening, giving her hints and tips on how to deal with schools/doctors/psychologists/ etc and is saving her some of the time consuming battles that S has already been through with her daughter E. She is also interested in getting involved with an allergy group, she has 11 years head start on us, so can offer us much welcome support from her experiences - good and bad.

Bob is typical of food allergy children and has autism which brings its own challenges and problem, many end up with borderline personality disorders, all part of their lack of control over what they cant eat.

My daughter is also due to start an open university course that she is hoping will lead to dealing in some respect with people like herself, she just not sure yet what or how. The joy of OU is no time limits or classes to attend on a daily basis so it can be fitted in round everything else. Will boost her self confidence and give her the pleasure of achieving something for her and take away from everything being about Bob.

I am very proud of her and what she copes with on a day to day basis, but more to the point the fact she is trying to help herself by helping others and not just laying down and giving into the despair.