Friday, 20 September 2013

Definately nurture not nature

 I sometimes wonder about my children  off spring, I wonder about their mental state, but I'm convinced it comes from living too long with their step-dad, nothing what so ever to do with me.

Last month I lent my daughter the sat- nav to take on holiday with her, then when we took it out of its box last week it had a note in it, the note really made me laugh. It is the sort of daft thing my husband would do, so I was not really sure who to hold responsible.

The note read

Dear Mum and Dad

These people are evil.

They took me all the way to the Lake District,or so they say, and didn't get me out of the box once.

I didn't get to see any of the scenery, and they managed to navigate their way there and back without any help. I was really looking forward to seeing somewhere new. It's been a while since I got to practise my skills at connecting to satellites ( oh yes and losing them at random points just for the fun of it) and directing a driver safely on their way.

What is the point to me if people can find their way without my help?

Why oh why do I exist/

From what I overheard, something called "road signs" did my job. Is this a new fangled invention? Will it take over from the traditional  way of having a sat-nav telling you where to go? Are my days numbered?

How will you know you are breaking the speed limit without my caring "bings"? What warning of speed cameras will you get without my bleeps? How will you find the nearest tourist attraction without my menu function? Who will direct you into a field, or the wrong way up a one-way-street if I am not there, perched on your dashboard, glowing in the dark?

As revenge, I will be deliberately directing you the wrong way for the foreseeable future. You will not know whether to trust me or not, whether I will lead you safely to your intended destination, or to an alternative point picked at random. You choose the centre of Glasgow? I will take you to Inverness. You want a McDonalds? I will find the nearest seafood restaurant. You want the M77? Fine, I'll take you to the M77, The wrong way up the M77!!

That will bloody teach you. All of you.


your (rather pissed off) sat-nav

p.s. I have reset all of my speed limits to 20mph lower than they really are and turned the volume of my bings to full. Try driving up the motorway at 70mph now!! Or past a school at 20. One of the most evil plans , I dare say. Enjoy your future drives.

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